This one is going to get real - quickly. It is easy to talk about cakes and flowers and dresses and all the pretty things that go along with a wedding. But those are things that go with a wedding, not a marriage. Our marriage is more important to me than any one day could ever be (I say as I still obsess over what shoes I will wear). There is a lot that goes into marrying someone. There is a heck of a lot more that goes into marrying an older man who brings with him two (wonderful) kids and an ex wife.
Let me start by getting a well-known fact about me out there - I never wanted kids. Really, never. I almost started to define myself by this. I was (and still am, to a degree) independent to a fault. I didn't need anyone to help me and I certainly didn't need anything to tie me down. (This is why I have a cat, not a dog.) Life has a really funny way of making sure you know that sometimes you can't control the outcome, you can't really control your fate. So here I am - 30 years old, never wanted help from anyone, never wanted lives to depend on mine. And I am now a part of this wonderful family I never knew I wanted. What's the expression, you don't know what you've got 'til it's gone? Well, I am here to say you also don't know what you're missing until you have it.
It wasn't always easy and it probably will never be a walk in the park, but that's what life is all about. Before we got engaged I stumbled upon a post on A Practical Wedding called "The Car Seat." It is from the perspective of a 32 year old woman who is engaged to a man with a 7 year old daughter. She talks about how she sort of understood what she was entering into but that it kind of hit her in the face one day when he bought her a booster seat for her car. I can speak from experience that you get used to the day-to-day stuff. The making lunches, the not going out on weekends you have the kids, the lack of ability to sleep in on the weekend. But as used to it as you may be, there will be an event or a series of events that makes it hit you like a ton of bricks - you are not alone anymore. Your life is not your own.
When I first read the article, I cried. It was the first time someone on the internet understood things about me that Mr. B didn't. He will never know what it feels like to be in my position and that's okay. I will never understand what it feels like to be divorced or to be a dad. I don't know if they were tears of sadness for losing my "singlehood" or if they were tears of being misunderstood by my partner, but understood on the internet.
I moved in with Mr. B (and the kids) before we were engaged and that was a pretty major adjustment. I had no personal space, not even our bathroom. The kids liked to shower in our bathroom because it has a TV. As their parent, Mr. B didn't even consider this was an issue. As a woman moving into their house who wasn't a blood relative, it made me very uncomfortable. At first I came off as almost rude when I asked Mr. B if we could transition them back to their own bathroom but I think he now understands where I was coming from. Our growing pains hurt at times but I honestly believe they have made us stronger as a family.
Want to know something weird? I recently re-read that article and I feel completely differently about it. I don't even know why it made me cry. My life has changed so much since moving in, getting engaged, planning a future with this family. Are there times I still get frustrated? Yes. Are there moments when I am so overwhelmed by the love these children have for me that I don't understand how I got so lucky? Absolutely.
So basically my message is this - don't define yourself in a way that could potentially scare away your happiness. I never imagined I would be marrying a 46 year old with two children. But I also never - never in my wildest dreams - imagined I could be so happy and could love three people so much.
Is there anyone else out there finding the growing pains hard at times? Have you experienced a similar adjustment?
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