Know Your Doughnut

I really cannot think of a normal way to start this so I will just dive on in - in August of 2005, my father passed away suddenly from a heart attack.  It was surreal and unexpected and it changed my life, but not necessarily in all the ways you would imagine.

Some background - I am the youngest of three.  My family was pretty "normal" growing up, with ballet recitals and hockey games and road trips.

MOH/Sister NYC, Our Dad, Sleepy Miss Bicycle / Personal Photo

As "normal" as we were, I never remember my parents being happy.  We are a family full of strong personalities and opinions and we only worked as a fivesome for so long.  My parents separated when I was in third grade and the divorce was final when I was in eighth.  On Halloween.  Yep, go ahead and process all of that.  It was both of their faults - no one walked away clean.  But it was what it was and eventually we all settled into our new routine of a "broken" family.

MOH/Sister NYC, Our Dad, Brother Marine being a devil / Personal Photo

For reasons I will not go into here, eventually I moved in with my dad permanently my senior year of high school.  My parents lived about twenty minutes apart and I went to high school in the town where my mother lived but I did not see her as often as I now realize I should.  My dad had a new partner and my mom did not react very well to this.  I guess I took sides without even realizing it and I don't think things have ever been the same between my mom and me.

I went away to college and eventually my dad moved to Key Biscayne, Florida (near Miami).  I would go visit him on breaks instead of going to Connecticut.  I would spend the summer there.  Every now and then I would visit my sister in NYC and that would be the only time I would see my mom since she doesn't fly and New Orleans is a long drive from Connecticut.  I don't think it was a conscious thing I was doing - I think I just gravitated toward the person I related to.

You see, my dad was a Marine.  Any daughter of a Marine knows what this means - he was always early (5 minutes early is late), he always had a plan, he never panicked or freaked out.  He passed these traits (and his blue eyes) along to me and these are things that still define me (well, every now and then a bride has to freak out).

NYC, Marine, Bicycle "Cramming for our Literature of Sesame Street exam," according to NYC / Personal Photo

One Sunday evening in August my brother called and asked when the last time I spoke with our dad was.  It had been a few days, which was rare since we usually called each other at least once a day.  We kind of started to panic.  My brother called the local fire department and I gave him clear instructions on where the extra key was so they wouldn't break a window or door (spoiler alert: they did).  They found my father on the couch, unable to revive him. 

First thing the next morning, I flew to from New Orleans to NYC to be with my mom and sister.  We drove down to Florida in the days that followed and had a beautiful Marine Corps ceremony for my father.  I was the only one left in college and I only had three classes left.  I knew I needed to be the one to move/sell/whatever all of his belongings so I decided to take the semester off to deal with all of that.  I drove back to New Orleans on a Friday and planned to return to Florida the following week.

That Friday was Friday, August 26, 2005.  I got back into town pretty late that night - as everyone I knew was preparing to evacuate.  Katrina was on its way.  I had no intention of leaving that weekend.  I needed to get my apartment packed and stop by Tulane and tell them I was taking the semester that started the next week off.  Some of my friends were going to Texas but I knew I couldn't do that.  My grandmother lives in Cocoa Beach, Florida (east of Orlando) and she convinced me to go to her house.  I spent Saturday packing up and got on the road Sunday morning for a drive that normally takes 11 hours.  It took 19.  In addition to the normal evacuation traffic I got two flat tires in the middle of Nowheresville, Alabama.  AAA told me they had already evacuated Nowheresville but that they would try to send help.

I kid you not - this was my father at work.  He needed to test me - to make sure I was really the independent woman he raised me to be.  I couldn't call him for advice, even though I kept trying.  I needed to figure this out on my own.  And I did.  Nowheresville had a used tire place and I got two mismatched tires and continued my journey, arriving at my grandmother's in the middle of the night.  I slept a few hours and then made the four hour drive to Key Biscayne to pack my dad's house. 

I spent the next week packing, selling, organizing, and watching my city flood.  I knew I was bringing my dad's furniture to my brother in North Carolina, but after that?  Tulane was closed.  New Orleans was closed.  I needed to be out of my dad's by the end of the month.  My grandmother in Cocoa Beach - my dad's mother - welcomed me with open arms.

2 yr old Miss Bicycle with Gram Cracker / Personal Photo

I spent most of the next year living with her.  We were leaning on each other and getting each other through it without even acknowledging what we were doing.  It became quite evident that everything I loved and inherited from my father - his punctuality, his routine, his blue eyes - he got from his mother. 

I think I needed that "perfect storm" to prove I could do it - to prove it worked.  He turned me into everything I am proud I am.  Bringing it back to wedding land, this proved to be a problem for a lot of my suitors because when you have an "I don't need a man and I don't need help from anyone" attitude, that isn't exactly a friendly invitation.  I don't know how or why I let my guard down for Mr. B but I am so grateful I did.  I just wish he could have met the reason I am who I am, although he has met my grandmother so I suppose he really has. 

And in case you're wondering what "Know Your Doughnut" means: You always needed a plan with my father, which meant he once came in to our room after bedtime and told us to know what doughnut we wanted the next morning on our way to Disney.